The blog has been pretty silent this past week, though not for lack of topics (A nugget starts growing in my mind almost everyday). In reality, I have felt a little disconnected from my steeds. As much as it may seem like I have a never ending river of love for all things bicycle running through my veins, the Honest Truth is that I often… Hate it.
It comes and it goes from time to time; often it is fleeting, though sometimes it is a long and drawn out period of utter disgust. This is not a euphemism for something suffering related, or some grand scheme of motivation, where I’ll turn all the negativity upside down in the last paragraph. It is plainly true and, I think, every racer suffers (no pun intended) from the same thoughts from time to time.
I hate riding in 40mph crosswinds because I am ‘scheduled’ to. I hate that a single goat’s head or touch of the wheels can displace months and months of hard work. I hate that cycling complicates seemingly mundane questions like: “What are we doing this weekend?” and “Will you be home for dinner?”
I hate dragging a carload of groceries up three flights of stairs after three hours on the trainer and a nine-hour workday. I hate never having money to do much of anything other than racing. I hate that I am so mental that I have to buy every damn Hammer supplement out there just to placate my thoughts of ‘missing something.’
I hate defining my life at the lowest possible point in the sport. I hate constantly greasing the wheels of 30 odd people that are doing the same under my watch. I hate not having time to get a second job and break free of paycheck to paycheck. I hate getting up predawn on Saturday and Sunday to ride more than some do in a week.
I hate cold feet 3 miles into a six-hour day. I hate getting dropped by juniors. I hate that my place in cycling, on and off the bike, has added to an otherwise hefty stress load. I hate that ideals about cycling create riffs. I hate that I have lost contact with a lot of people, mainly because I don’t see them on training rides or at races every week.
Perhaps most notably, I hate that cycling makes me hate it. After all, it has done tremendous things for my health, wellbeing, social life, motivation, and a slew of other things that I probably don’t even realize. I should be entirely thankful, nay entirely faithful, to the sport. Alas, I am an ungrateful Lover.